I don’t mean that in a morbid way. I love life. The thought caught me off guard too, as my family and I were driving on to our next destination on our first ever family road trip. It hit me just as we were all laughing at something Dad said. All of our windows were rolled down and the wind was whipping our hair in all sorts of directions. The buzzing of the radio could be heard over the wind and our choir of voices, each louder than each other. My euphoria was crushed as soon as it struck me. The thought that this moment could be anything but permanent. Then it came to me. I have my family by my side and have some accomplishments under my belt. I could die happily with my parents and younger sister beside me without having any regrets. Except one. I guess.
Dying might as well be pleasant for the one doing it, but I guess we have to think about the people left behind as well. That lengthy moment of greed was replaced by thoughts of Deniz growing up. I wanted to be there when she has questions about boys. I wanted to hold her hand and hug her before she graduates. I wanted her to come to me when her heart breaks for the first time. I realized with a jolt that I wanted her to have me to count on.
It was then, as the thoughts of these future moments flooded my mind, that I let go of my selfish wish. I had no reason to believe that this one breathtaking instant would be the limit to our happiness.
So cheers, to the future.